Lola’s Bachelor Recap

It’s time. Time for Sean to be the Bachelor. I cannot WAIT. Try not to judge me for still watching this TV show, it’s a sickness that I cannot control.

I’m actually really bummed out that he is the Bachelor, because I had big plans for him to go out with my friend Caylin. I mean they are both from Dallas and they kinda look alike. It would have been perfect.

A moment of silence to think of what could have been.

….

Okay so season premiere!! There are few things in life more exciting than to hear Chris Harrison’s voice saying “This season on the bachelor….”

I’m watching in my bed on my laptop at 7am because, well, we still don’t have a TV. So I have to wait an additional 12 hours for ABC to put it on their website. This will be fine until the season finale when Sean picks a lady and you all blow it for me on facebook. I guess I’ll have to somehow take a facebook hiatus on that night.

I just have one question. How did they convince Sean to do the first 10 minutes of the episode? What self respecting Texas man strikes all of these poses? They show him working out shirtless. They show him jogging shirtless. Standing on the edge of a cliff, staring off into the distance…. shirtless. They show him playing with his niece and nephew… shirtless. I get it, Texas is hot, and they probably started filming in late summer, but I just don’t think all of this is necessary. Also, why do all of the Bachelors and male Bachelorette contestants have zero body hair? I don’t know about the rest of you, but my husband has body hair and it would freak me right out if he started shaving his arms and legs.

Omg. Arie comes on in order to pep talk Sean and give advice. Arie looks really strange to me. I was just really never picking up what he was putting down. Emily probably calls him just to make out when she is bored and he probably gets in his race car and cruises right over. He starts to give Sean pointers on kissing the girls. I was changing Poppyseed’s diaper when I looked up and saw this going on.

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Nope, he isn’t punching Sean, he is showing Sean how to use his hands when kissing.

Sean really lost my respect when he asked Arie how much tongue he should use when kissing the girls. Then Arie scarred me for life when he did this horrible thing where he stuck his tongue out and shook his head back and forth. Things like that should not make air.

I phase out for just a minute, after all Poppyseed is in the stage of life where she crawls around making pterodactyl noises and sticking her fingers in electrical outlets. I get off the bed in order to go save her from herself, but turn around when I hear high pitched screaming coming from the screen. It appears to be this brunette named Tierra is totally flipping out because she just found out the bachelor is Sean. Then evidently ABC makes her ride an escalator and strike more poses because that’s what people do.

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The next girl that stands out to me is the second hairstylist. She is obsessed with 50 Shades of Grey and they actually show her lying in her bed, reading the book and biting her lip. She says, “He’s hot, everything’s bigger in Texas. Spank me. I totally hope Sean rips my clothes off and spanks me.”

I consider stopping the show and boycotting this trash forever. I have a daughter who looks up to me.

Nevermind, too hooked.

The next person I’m intrigued by is another Ashley, oops I mean AshLee. She is really pretty and is a Professional Organizer. I’d like to be her friend but pretty sure she’d reject me based on the status of my tshirt drawer right now. There may be a few of Oatmeal’s boxers in there and I’m sure she would find that to be unacceptable. I’d have to clean out my car just to meet her for coffee, eh too much work for a friend.

So watching this show with a baby is really different than before. I used to sit down with a snack and focus my undivided attention on the screen, only looking away during commercial breaks when I had to pee and/or get a wine refill or maybe text a friend.

Now I am doing good to watch 50% of the show. I feel like a horrible mother because I keep looking down and Poppyseed is pulling up on the side of the bed, and I just keep making faces at her and saying “Yeah honey, you’re so cute! Mommy watch the Bachelor! Yes! You’re so cute!” and then turning back to the show.

But if I pick her up and put her on the bed, well, then she thinks she needs to pound the keyboard. Although she does stop and her jaw drops (just like mine did) when Sean gives Tierra a rose right after she gets out of the limo. Oh man, the other girls are not going to like that.

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The next thing I see is the 50 Shades girl getting out of the car and giving him some type of strap that looks like a necktie to me, only a little different. Maybe I am naive but I really don’t know it if it’s really a necktie or some kind of “strap”, and I don’t think Sean is sure, either.

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SEans face

Hey! Kacie B from Ben’s season! I liked her. I wonder if Sean knows who she is. The other girls are really ticked off when she walks in and one of them says “It’s not fair, she had her chance with Ben, why does she think this will be any different.”

Um, because Ben and Sean are two different people you airhead.

I see that suddenly Selma, Robin, Jackie, and a lot other girls have roses, too. I guess Sean is just giving them all out as he goes along instead of waiting until the rose ceremony. Nice. I like it. Then I stop playing with P long enough to hear “I wish I were more sober now.” Some poor chick in a wedding dress makes a massive idiot of herself and then saunters off murmering something about how maybe she should have worn a normal dress or tried to kiss him. Or maybe she just should have not gotten so wasted. Hindsight’s 20/20 sweetheart.

I am completely refocused in time for 50 Shades girl. I love this chick. She starts, er, performing. It goes something like this.

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Do they pay these girls to do this? Do they slip Sean some money under the table if he keeps them on board for a few episodes? I would. 50 Shades girl aka Grey Ashley sits down with Sean and…. oh what a shocker… pulls the necktie thingy out of her dress. She makes the exact same face that she did in the driveway when she does it.

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I laugh out loud because Sean says this little gem:

“I also brought a rape whistle in case I am in trouble.”

Yep, Sean you may need that. Later he says, “I don’t know where to start with her. She is a lot to take in” and then “50 Shades of Grey is more like 50 Shades of drunk tonight.”

I’m loving Sean as The Bachelor more by the minute.

Some pretty blond girl named Taryn is melting down. She says she doesn’t fight over guys. Hmm, maybe you got on the wrong bus at ABC then, because what did you think would happen here? Something tells me this girl will be drama.

There is finally a rose ceremony, which I halfway listen to as I feed Poppyseed some banana and make a cup of coffee. I hear that he keeps Kacey/Casey/Kasie B from Ben’s season, which I’m happy about, and also the Taryn chick who was boo-hooing her eyes out earlier. He cuts 50 Shades Ashley, which is sad because I wanted her around for entertainment, and while now I am 98% sure that it was really just a tie, you can never be sure with people like that.

I have no predictions other than the utter fact that Taryn will be a mess and that the other girls will hate Tierra. They even showed a preview that looks like she gets taken away in an ambulance wearing a neck brace and saying something along the lines of “I hope the other girls got what they wanted.” Yep, this season is going to be gold.

Welp, off to Crossfit and to call my mom to rehash the details of the show while I drive. Happy Tuesday everyone!

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  1. I’m still having my moment of silence for what could have been.

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