Kind of a bummer.

Today was “one of those days.”  I hate to complain and be a downer, but I just felt like I was in a funk all day, no matter what happened.

I woke up at 3am feeling nauseous.  I spent the majority of the morning transferring from the bed to the master bathroom, only moving downstairs at 5am so that I could move from the couch to the kitchen bathroom.  (I felt bad being so noisy while Oatmeal was sleeping.)

I’ve been doing this for about 4 mornings in a row now.

And every single morning, I take one of these.

photo-339

Alllllllllllll of them are negative.

Up until today I was still sure I was pregnant.  All the signs are there, and everything that happened with my last pregnancy is happening now.  First I just began to feel a little nauseous.  Then I started to realize that food that normally looks good, well, doesn’t look so good anymore.  I smelled meat one morning, and it made me feel queasy.  I smelled coffee the next morning, and it made me ill.  I skipped my iced Americano completely yesterday.  The next step is when I can’t hold down meals at all anymore, and that happened, too.  Yup, had to be pregnant.  April was the first month that we said, “Okay, maybe we’ll let nature take its course and see just see what happens.”  I got my first period since having Poppyseed in early April, so it seemed like it could happen.  I was a little surprised to start having all of the pregnancy symptoms just a few weeks later.  Wow, that would have been quick!

This coincided with the end of my Whole30 challenge.  Which shouldn’t really matter, but I really wanted to take “after” pictures in order to compare them to my “before” pictures.  But after one has been dry heaving and puking for 3-4 days, I don’t think the after pictures would really mean much.  I just look sick.  I guess I should have taken those pictures around Day 26.

Despite all of this, I was determined to go and get mine and Poppyseed’s passports.  We are planning a summer trip to go and visit my sister (!!!) in Japan.  I can’t book my tickets until I have the peace of mind that the passports are being processed.  I got online, studied the requirements for infant passports closely, and filled out all of the forms.  I even realized I didn’t have a birth certificate for Poppyseed, so I ordered one right away and it actually showed up in our mailbox rather quickly.

I called the two local post offices, who didn’t have appointments until late May.  But they did tell me I could go to the campus post office, so I dragged my weak and nauseous self to campus and stood in line with a bunch of exhausted college students (it was finals week) until the man at the desk told me, “Um we don’t do passports here.”

I asked him why there was a huge sign that said PASSPORTS above his head.  He said they just needed to take that sign down.

Awesome.

He did at least tell me that across campus was the Study Abroad office and THEY could help me.  So I went all the way over there, only to find out…. they don’t take walk ins on Monday.  Which, it was Monday.

So today I returned.  I spent about 38 minutes circling the parking lot trying to get lucky enough to catch one of the four 30 minute visitors spaces.  No such luck.  I finally just pulled up to the curb, turned my hazards on and sprinted into the building.  I was SO EXCITED that there was no line.  I put my pre-printed and filled out applications, marriage license, birth certificates, social security cards and drivers license on the counter and the friendly college student workers began to start the process.  I was so glad that I was about to check this off of my list.

Until they asked me where the father of my Poppyseed was.  Evidently you must have both parents present in order to get an infant a passport

NOOOOO!!!!!

I began to beg and plead that they just pretend that they saw my husband.  I had her birth certificate and social security card after all, why did it matter?  He could not possibly be there, and he works 65 miles away.  The young gentleman stammered that the only way a child could travel internationally without each parent’s consent was if the child was illegitimate.

I don’t know what got into me, but I actually said this.

“Oh, is that all I have to do?  Just say I don’t know who her dad is?  Fine!  I don’t!”

I wish I’d stopped there, but I just kept going.

“Yep, I got around a lot last year!  I’m a big tramp!  So can you take her passport photo now?”

Evidently this would have worked out well had her father’s name not been on her birth certificate.  Sigh.  Every head in that office turned when I said those very classy words above, and then I had to turn to and exit the office in shame.   At least they gave me a form that Oatmeal can sign and have notarized so that he doesn’t have to be present when I go back.  Although I kind of do want him to go with me now, now that I have humiliated myself.

As I left I asked myself, “What the hell is wrong with you!?” and made a mental note to wear a brunette wig when I return to the office next week to actually get the application turned in.  Or maybe that’s not a great idea.

My next stop of the day was just as unsuccessful.  I had this idea in my head that if I went to a doctors office and took a pregnancy test there, it would show up positive.  That is exactly what happened last year – I took a urine pregnancy test at a doctor’s office that was positive, even though I couldn’t get a positive test at home even a week after my period was missed.  I really wanted to have proof that I was pregnant so that I could tell my mom and MIL my fun news in person this weekend.  (I will get to see them both at the same time.)  So I went to a doctor’s office that I know pretty well and asked her nurse to sign me up.  I filled out new patient paperwork, handed over my insurance information and peed in the cup.

Negative.

I know this is silly, but I was SO shocked.  And then I was so disappointed.  I felt so dumb, because I had basically been telling the nurse that I was 200% sure I was pregnant and that it would be positive.  I felt so sorry for her that she had to burst my bubble.  She also mentioned that actually the urine tests in their office were generally not more sensitive than the ones at the pharmacy.  This was a shock to me, because again I tested positive at a doctor’s office when taking a urine pregnancy test and had not been testing positive at home.  But according to the nurse, I basically just peed on the same stick that I could have just peed on at home.

I  continued to act happy and cool (didn’t want to embarrass myself as I had at the passport office earlier and fly off the handle) even though I felt really dumb.  I smiled a lot in order to mask my disappointment, and after saying goodbye and scooping up Poppyseed I went to the front desk to check out.

$80.

EIGHTY DOLLARS!?  They said if there were any additional costs, they’d just send me a bill.  They told me I probably have a virus and could prescribe Zofran if I needed it.  I politely refused, and Poppyseed and I got back into the car.

I cried.  Like a slob.  I called Oatmeal and told him how dumb I was.  I apologized for wasting at least $80 dollars and admitted how embarrassed and disappointed I was.  (I didn’t tell him about the passport office embarrassment but was still at least a slight shade of pink from that one.)  He told me I should go get some ice cream with Poppyseed to cheer myself up, which I considered for a moment before remembering I’d probably just throw it up.  So we just went home, and I tried to shift my mood by taking a nap while Poppyseed napped in her crib.

When we woke up we both just felt like bums.  She was crabby and fussy, and I was weak and exhausted.  I almost skipped our yoga class, but decided that no, we NEEDED to go.  And I’m SO glad we did.  We drove there in the pouring down rain (it even hailed) and it COMPLETELY shifted our mood!

All I needed was to hear my baby girl giggle with the other babies.  I loved to see her smile – her big mouth-wide-open smile.  My brain completely switched gears.

I know that I could still be pregnant, and that it may just be too early to tell.  I was well beyond “late” with Poppyseed before I turned a test positive.   It’s just crazy what kind of mind games that you play with yourself when you think that you could be.  On one hand, I’m so happy with just Poppyseed.  She is still so little, having only turned 1 last month.  I love our life right now.  Honestly, I know that we have the terrible twos and such ahead of us and I’ll likely feel quite differently in a few months, but being her mom is a really easy and fun gig.  Other than those first few weeks of having a teensy tinsy newborn, I really think it’s been a breeze.  I love being able to spend ALL of my time with just her.  It would be so different to split my time between two kids.  Plus, let’s not forget how close in age the babies would be if I happened to be pregnant now.  They would be only 21 months apart.  That sounds scary as hell!

On the other hand, I would be happy (if not nervous) if I had been pregnant.  I started to see little signs of pregnancy 2 weeks ago before the REALLY obvious things began to happen this week.  So, I guess I’d just gotten it in my head that I was for sure pregnant.  Having had a baby already, I guess an attachment had already begun to form.  It felt like it had been taken away when I got that negative test.   I know that this is nothing compared to what other girls go through – some people try and try and try for pregnancy and it just doesn’t happen.  They take months and years worth of tests and see the empty window and hear the words “Not pregnant” too many times to count.  And then there are women like my mom, who miscarried six times, which is unimaginable to me!  So I know I can’t complain.  Again, it’s just funny how quickly you can really get carried away when you suspect a pregnancy.

This was the only picture I’ve taken since the virus/fake pregnancy hit me.  It will have to suffice for today’s post.  Tomorrow will be a better day.

Yoga

Related posts:

About Lola

Comments

  1. I’m so sorry you had such a rough day!! Those are no fun:(. Are you still nursing? Weaning? I always had pregnancy like symptoms once I truly started to wean my babies….everytime!!! Even went back to my O.B. and insisted on a blood test because I knew I was pregnant again. I had only had two periods, but when the blood test came back negative, she chalked it up to my hormones trying to get back to normal after being pregnant and nursing. I hope you are pregnant, if that’s what your heart truly desires, but it could be hormones regulating them self. Good luck either way:)

  2. I’m sorry Laura. 🙁 My first few cycles after/during breastfeeding are always pretty weird. It can definitely happen right away, but don’t get too discouraged if it doesn’t. Sometimes your cycle can return, but you don’t start ovulating for a few cycles. It can just take a little to return to “normal”. Anyway, I hope everything works out the way you want!! I know what a bummer that can be when you start to get your hopes up…

Leave a Reply