Lola has a …..

“We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” -E.M. Forester

A few weekends ago, I went on a miniature shopping spree and bought 2 pairs of pants and a few fitted shirts.  A day or so after that, a book that I ordered came in the mail called Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler.

In my head I was sort of joking with myself, thinking, “Watch.  Now that I’ve bought a few pants and a book about fertility is sitting on my nightstand, I’ll probably find out I’m pregnant next week.  Then all three items will be fairly useless.”

Sure enough, two Thursdays ago I started feeling tired.  Like really, really tired.  I looked at the calendar and realized that if I waited until Friday morning I would be 5 days before my period and it may be worth taking a test.  I took it first thing Friday.

Positive.

Strangely enough, I didn’t tell Oatmeal until Saturday morning.  I kept this news to myself for just over 24 hours.  I think I was waiting on it to hit me, plus I wanted to come up with a cute way of telling him.  (I just sort of blurted it out when I got pregnant with Poppyseed and always sort of planned to do something more memorable with #2.)  Last Saturday morning I was thinking about going to a baby store and getting something small to use as a prop, but then I just ended up telling him in the kitchen.  I was hanging up Poppyseed’s artwork while Oatmeal laughed at all of her little crafts.  I said, “Just think honey, in June we’ll have 2 babies.”  His face lit up and he gave me the biggest smile, hug, and kiss.  It was a really sweet moment, one that I’ll remember for a long time I’m sure.

Well, that afternoon I started to have these little cramps.  By that evening they were pretty bad.  We had driven to Katy to watch his sister sing at the Katy Rice Festival during the afternoon, and that night we drove to Bellville for the Austin County Fair.  It should have been a really fun night, but instead of enjoying watching P and her cousins playing games and petting animals, I was trying to make sure I had a smile plastered onto my face.  I didn’t feel good at ALL.  I know people say you tend to forget the bad stuff about pregnancy, but I was certain that I’d never had pain that bad with Poppyseed.  Especially so early.

We finally drove home at around midnight.  I put Poppyseed in bed and felt a pain so bad while walking to my bedroom that I had to bend down and kneel on the floor.  It was so severe that I started to feel sort of scared.  I hadn’t felt pain like that since labor with Poppyseed.  I took a bath and that helped some, and then we both went to bed.   A HUGE storm hit College Station and I spent the better part of the night in bed trying to take deep breaths and get through all of the cramps.  At one point the thunder and lightning was so bad that we lost power, and the dogs started whining and pacing around our bedroom.  There was one clap of thunder so loud that all of Poppyseed’s battery operated toys started singing and giggling.  (Which as you can imagine is super creepy at 3am in a dark house!)  The storm raged and raged as I laid in bed and pondered my options.  Wake up Poppyseed and drive to the ER as a family, or drive myself to the ER while Oatmeal stayed at home with her?  I was leaning toward just driving myself so that we didn’t have to take her in the middle of the night, but then it began to hail.  I decided to just wait it out.  I typed all of my symptoms into google.  The words “ectopic pregnancy” appeared on every search result I found.  I won’t lie, I was pretty nervous.  My mom had an ectopic pregnancy at my age.  Her tube ruptured and she had to have emergency surgery.  It was a pretty big deal.  I was definitely worried.

photo-13

At some point around 4am, the pain let up and I drifted off to sleep.

I felt much better on Sunday with the exception of a bunch of fluid in my belly.  I felt like I already looked a little bit pregnant.  I texted a friend of mine who is an OB nurse, hoping to get her opinion on whether I should go in to the ER or not.  The day passed without a response and I realized later that I had texted the wrong person – very embarrassing.  I decided to go in to the doctor on Monday morning.

I called my OBGyn on Monday and spoke to a nurse.  She listened to my symptoms and told me to come right in for an HCG test.  She said it was too early to see anything related to my pregnancy on a sonogram, but that my level of HCG would help them pinpoint what was going on.  As I left the lab I ran into a friend of mine who worked there.  She listened to my symptoms and led me into the sonographer’s room, where they found a large cyst on my left side.  My uterus looked as it should look for it to be an early pregnancy, but there was a lot of fluid in my belly.  The sonographer and nurse concluded that perhaps the cyst had begun to leak, or maybe I had two cysts and one of them had ruptured, and that could have been the cause of all of the pain that had subsided.  They said that everything else actually looked okay.  “We will call you when we get your HCG back.  If it’s in the low hundreds then everything is probably okay.  If it’s in the thousands, that could be a sign of an ectopic pregnancy.”

The cyst.

The cyst.

I went home feeling relieved.  Then my phone rang.  “Lola, I’m so sorry.  Your HCG came back and it’s really high.  Come back up here right now.  It’s probably ectopic.”

My OBGyn wasn’t there, but I saw a different doctor who I have always known and liked.  She did an exam, another sonogram, and told me that while some of my symptoms led her to believe that I could have an ectopic pregnancy, the fact that I was able to sit and talk to her without complaining of pain made her believe that wasn’t the case.  “Most women experiencing an ectopic pregnancy are doubled over in pain, similar to how you felt over the weekend.  They can barely walk upright and are not able to tolerate a pelvic exam or sonogram.  Since you haven’t had much pain since Saturday, I hate to take you to surgery and scope your belly today.  It’s not that being under anesthesia is going to make your baby have two heads or anything, but it’s just not ideal if you do have a good healthy pregnancy.”  I appreciated her honesty and we decided I’d come back on Wednesday for all of the same tests.  I was hopeful that everything would check out.

Tuesday was a rough day.  I stayed at home with Poppyseed and we took it easy.  But I was a bundle of nerves.  I continued to feel like I had a lot of pressure in my abdomen.  I just didn’t feel right at all.  I continued to pray that everything would work out.  I prayed that when I saw the doctor I would remain calm, polite, and positive, and that I’d ask intelligent questions and really listen to her answers.

I went to the lab at 7:30am on Wednesday and then back to the doctor at 9:30am.  They did another sonogram and then the doctor walked in.  “Well your HCG has fallen dramatically.  Your uterus still looks nice and thick, but there is an irregular looking sac in there.  We should be able to see something growing in there by now, so I’m fairly certain that this just isn’t going to be a good pregnancy.”

They asked me to come back on Friday.  Another HCG test at 8am, and another appointment with my doctor at 11am to get the results.  He did a full exam and told me that my HCG was still “slowly dropping.”  He told me to expect the equivalent of a really bad period.  He said I’d have a lot of cramping, a lot of bleeding, and then some relief.  “I think that if we are patient enough, your body will be able to take care of this naturally and we shouldn’t need to schedule a DNC.”

While I wait on this period from hell, I have to go back to the doctor every 48 hours so that they can monitor my HCG.  I guess they just have to make sure it continues to fall.

All in all, last week just wasn’t my greatest.  By Friday I’d driven to my doctor’s office 6 times and had 3 blood tests, 3 sonograms and a pelvic exam.  It’s safe to say that all of this business pretty much consumed my week.  Emotionally, it wasn’t much fun.  Physically, other than the fluid and the pressure, I really did feel pretty normal.  We even decided to drive to Louisiana on Saturday and Sunday to see my parents.  We drove 5 hours to Alexandria on Saturday to see my mom, and then that night we drove to Ruston.  My dad turned 60 on Sunday, so we spent the day with him and even went to his surprise party that night.  We drove the 5 hours home last night, getting home just before midnight.

In hindsight, I’m SO glad we decided to go ahead and go on that trip.  I have been missing my parents and was glad to see them.  I almost backed out because I was worried I’d actually complete the miscarriage while we were out of town, but as it turns out I’m still here just waiting.  I’m so ready for this to be over.  Before this happened I honestly had no idea that a miscarriage could take days or even weeks.  I guess I just always imagined that you had some cramping and bleeding and then it was over.  But I guess in my case we caught it pretty early, meaning that a lot of it is just a waiting game.  I can’t lie, I hate this waiting game.  I’m just ready for it to be over.

One thing I do want to say is that this experience has made me very thankful for many things.  First of all, I’m so, so thankful for my Poppyseed.  I am so glad that this happened after I had an easy pregnancy and healthy baby.  I think I would be much more worried about my chances of having another baby if I had miscarried first.

My little toddler was a pro at the doctor's office.  She sat right next to me during my exam on Friday and listened carefully to the doctor.   I was very proud.

My little toddler was a pro at the doctor’s office. She sat right next to me during my exam on Friday and listened carefully to the doctor. I was very proud.

I’m also so grateful for my friends.  Oatmeal was out of town for work for half of the week, so if it hadn’t been for them there would have been w-a-y too much down time at home.  Anna sent me a flower arrangement.   I was so shocked to get a knock on my door at 3pm, and even more surprised to see this colorful arrangement.  I laughed at all the curly ribbons and such coming out of the flowers, especially after Anna told me that when ordering them she said, “Look, just make them fun.  Make it happy looking.”  Mission accomplished.  They did indeed make me happy.

photo-402

And my neighbor Misti bought me a silly little bracelet.  “It was just a dollar, but you can put it in your jewelry box and remember it was from me,” she said.  We sat in  my driveway on Wednesday night and chatted about our week.  (She laughed at me as I ate chocolate chips straight out of the bag – what can I say – I am a definite stress eater!)  Her husband even volunteered to watch all three of our kids on Thursday night so that we could go have sushi.

Sara sent us a little care package. It had a scarf for me, and a little stuffed owl, a book, and a pair of gloves for Poppyseed.  I love her thoughtfulness.

photo-401

And of course, I’m thankful for my family and Oatmeal.  I got checked on a lot last week.  There were lots of phone calls, texts, and emails exchanged.  I have a pretty rock solid support system.  That is a huge, huge blessing.

Before this happened, I knew very little about miscarriages.  Two weeks ago I read that 1 in 4 pregnancies will spontaneously miscarry by 4 weeks pregnant.  (In my case, I am considered about 5 weeks pregnant now.)  Many women don’t even know they are pregnant when it happens, but of course in my case I was watching for it.   I also didn’t know how doctors diagnose this type of thing, what types of options are available to deal with the miscarriage (natural vs DNC), or as I said before, how long this entire process can last.  I just hope that it’s over quickly, and I pray that my cycle returns to normal soon so that we can try again in a few months.  If this pregnancy had worked out, our babies would have been 26 months apart. I’ve always sort of hoped for my first two kids to be anywhere from 24-30 months apart, so we still have the possibility of that happening.

If anything, this has taught me that I’m not in charge here.  And I just have to trust that God has a solid plan for me if I can be patient and wait on it.

Related posts:

About Lola

Comments

  1. I’m so sorry. So, so, so sorry!! I know exactly what you’re feeling and going through and I just want you to know I hate it for you and I’m sorry.

  2. Vanessa Jungbauer says:

    I am so sorry to hear about this Laura. I’ll be praying for you and your sweet family. God

  3. Lauren Faxel says:

    Praying for you! Keep up your great attitude, and God Bless You!

  4. thinking of you friend!

Leave a Reply