Things you just don’t say to a pregnant woman.

4 days overdue today, friends. 4 days.  (Actually, if counting by my last period and not by the ultrasound due date, I’m 41 weeks, 4 days pregnant… but who’s counting?)

I woke up this morning and realized I was still pregnant.  Thirty minutes later I pulled my teary eyed, snot-ridden face off of my pillow, took a deep breath, and decided I needed to just blow off some steam somehow.  I thought I’d make a few notes of things that I have learned while being pregnant. Things to NOT say to a pregnant woman.  Sadly, I’ve said many of these things. What was I thinking? Oh, to live and learn.

Some of them were said to me. I wish I’d had been prepared with something witty to say at the time.  Let’s just jump right in, shall we?

Things to NOT Say to a Pregnant Woman

I hereby dedicate this to my sister, and to my sister-in-law Jamie.  I’m sorry you both had to be pregnant before me.

1. “Oh wow, those maternity jeans are really cute! Are they comfortable? I wouldn’t know, I never had to wear maternity clothes when I was pregnant! I just never got that big.”

Oh really? You didn’t? That’s fantastic for you. And how old were you when you conceived, might I ask? Twelve and a half? Excuse me while I go find someone else, really ANYONE else, to talk to. That mime in the corner looks like a much better alternative than you.

 

2. “Oh, you’re pregnant? When I saw you last I noticed you were heavier, but I just thought that you hit the Thanksgiving buffet a little too hard. Congratulations!

Um, thank you… I think?

 

3. “Oh, wow, your first baby! That’s wonderful! Oh wait, you’re in your late 20s, right?  At what age do the risks of all of those genetic diseases increase?  Are you having any tests done?”

Yes, I’m in my late 20s, and yes this is my first child. Wow, thank you for making me feel like a grandmother having a baby even though I am only TWENTY-SEVEN years old. My doctor hasn’t even mentioned any risks of diseases, but now thanks to your observations I’m going to go and Google the phrase “old pregnant hag has baby with genetic disorder.”  With a box of kleenex.

 

4. “Pregnant people are always touching their bellies. It’s weird.”

I know, it’s the strangest thing, right? Pregnant people touching their bellies. How odd that a pregnant person would want to show their unborn child some affection. Did you forget that when someone is pregnant, it means there is a BABY inside of their belly? Did it occur to you that the mother may actually feel somewhat of an attachment to said baby? Idiot.

 

5. Me: “Hey, what are you doing for New Year’s Eve? I don’t have plans yet, we should do something.”

Friend: “Um, no offense but you’re pregnant. No one wants to hang out with a pregnant girl on New Year’s Eve.”

Me: “Oh, wow, I guess I forgot that I was such a buzzkill because I am growing another human. Have fun finding another free, fun sober driver on New Year’s Eve to drive you and your barren womb around all night.”

 

6. “Oh wow, I can’t believe you are working out. When I was pregnant my doctor told me working out was unsafe, so I did what was best for my baby. I went on slow 5 minute walks while guzzling water the entire time. I decided that fitting into my jeans was second priority compared to my child’s well being.”

Wow, you are really dedicated to being a mother, aren’t you? I mean, I haven’t heard of such matronly sacrifice since reading the New Testament. As for me working out, pretty sure that it’s (a) my business, and (b) that the whole-not-working-out-thing was based on a study in the 1980s that’s been disproven several times since. So you either had a really old school doctor, or you’re just a LOT older than me.  Or… you’re LAZY.

 

7. “You’re drinking coffee? Did you mean to order decaf? Have you read anything about the increased risk of hyperactivity associated babies born by women who drink caffeine when pregnant?”

Have you read anything about the increased risk of getting punched in the face for criticizing a pregnant woman for ordering a cup of half-caff coffee?

 

8. You’re waiting to find out the sex of your baby? Oh my gosh, you are crazy! I could NEVER do that, I am just such a planner. I have to be able to plan ahead for my baby.

Girlfriend. I spoke to half a dozen obstetricians, chose one and went to all of my appointments, registered for and completed a 12 week birth class, had the nursery painted, furnished it, read a dozen breastfeeding and sleeping books, started my baby’s college education savings fund, secured a daycare, updated my health insurance, applied for maternity benefits, registered for baby items, chose a pediatrician, froze a week’s worth of food for after the birth, scrubbed my house from top to bottom (3 weeks in a row), washed every item that will ever come into contact with my child, researched cord blood banking, selected a backup pediatrician, and began a pregnancy exercise routine. All in the amount of time it took you to make up your mind which shade of rose petal pink to paint your darn princess’s nursery. Don’t talk to me about being a “planner.”

 

9.  You’re overdue?  Well… you know what will put you into labor.  Hehehe.  Sex.  Yep, go have sex.  You may not feel like it… but it works!  It’s something about the sperm.  Hehehe.

Everyone.  Gather around.  I have an announcement.  Listen closely.  Ready?  I AM AWARE THAT SEX CAN INDUCE LABOR.  I think that even most 16 year olds know this!  So please – PLEASE – stop telling me that I need to go have sex!  I can’t take any more advice from you people about this topic!  My poor husband already feels like he is being attacked by a rabid hippopotamus every night when he walks through the door and I say, “Oh hi Honey, how was your day?  I made steak for dinner, TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES AND CLOSE YOUR EYES PLEASE I AM DESPERATE!!”

 

10.  Oh, your doctor told you that this probably will not be a big baby?  Well don’t take too much comfort in that!  My baby was only 5.5lbs and I still ripped from vagina to rectum!  I’ve NEVER been the same… GOD, the recovery was just AWFUL.   I’m just telling you that, you know, so you’ll be prepared if it happens to you!

Lady!  Why on earth would you ever say that to anyone?  You wanted to prepare me?  Did someone tell you that God put you on this earth to “prepare” pregnant woman by scaring them to death?  I don’t care if you ripped from your rectum to your godforsaken belly button, SHUT UP.

 

11. I’ve heard that when women are pushing during childbirth, they sometimes poop on the table and don’t even know it! Are you worried that you will poop on the table in front of your husband and everyone?

Excuse me!?  Woman, did you hear me? I am 4 days overdue. FOUR. DAYS. OVER. DUE. And you think I am worried about pooping while I’m pushing!?!?! I WOULD POOP ON MY DINING ROOM TABLE IN FRONT OF EVERYONE I KNOW IF I COULD JUST HAVE THIS BABY WHILE DOING IT!

 

Well this one is getting tagged in the “Just Not Classy” category.  See ya tomorrow, folks.

I’ll leave you with this one picture… which makes me giggle when I need a laugh.  Sorry Mom.  I know you were just trying to help.  😉

 

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Comments

  1. Sarah Copes says:

    You are killing me…I wasnt overdue but heard a lot of that too! I love how you speak it…ps, i would have sent a text like that to my younger brother too…he just loved it when I would overshare, as he called it!

  2. Hilarious! I laughed out loud at that text!

  3. The pregnancy comments are only preparation for the advice you will be receiving for the rest of your childs life! I love your humorous way of looking at things Laura. It’s going to make you a happy and great mom! And I loved your dedication! You know…the best advice you will get will be from those who love you. Your mom raised great kids and Michaels mom raised that fine man you’re married to so they both are fountains of wisdom. Add that to the knowledge of the latest and greatest from the siblings and you can throw away the books! All I know is that Violet is one lucky baby!

  4. I can’t quit laughing!

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