why Lola has no more faith in home pregnancy tests.

Most women have, at one time or another, found themselves peeing on a home pregnancy test.  I’d imagine that the average woman actually has the patience to complete this task at home.  Some of us less patient women such as myself do not have the patience to get all the way home, so we do this in the pharmacy restroom, in the Starbucks restroom across the street from the pharmacy, in the McDonald’s restroom on the way home (I mean, the pack did have 3 tests in it), or in the restaurant restroom on a lunch break.

I have now checked all of those boxes.  I have administered a home pregnancy test in CVS, Starbucks (2 of them), McDonald’s, and Harris County BBQ in Tomball, Texas.  Oh, and one in the medical building where I frequently call on doctors.

And of course in my own restroom.  Many times.

Between about July 25th and August 10th, I estimate that I took roughly 20 home pregnancy tests.  According to my AMEX statement, nearly $200 was spent on said tests. 

I took the $30 tests that guaranteed a result 5 days before your period.  I took the $6 ones that guaranteed results the day of your missed period.  They were all negative, well after my period should have graced my presence

My sister was in on this.  She was positive I was pregnant anyway.  All the signs were there.  I was a tad nauseous.  I was a tad tired.  I was late.  There wasn’t a foreseeable reason for me NOT to be pregnant.  But, I was convinced that I wasn’t pregnant because about 15 tests had told me I wasn’t, and one night I took yet another $30, super sensitive test and it was negative.  Then I walked away from it for about an hour and I came back, and it looked like this.

Now, ladies and gentleman, the package insert will tell you that the test is void after a certain amount of time.  The package insert will also tell you that a second line, no matter how faint, is a positive for pregnancy.   I looked at the test an hour after it was taken, noticed the faint line, and sent this picture to my sister, certain it was a void test due to the length of time taken.  I’m pretty sure the email said, “See?  Not pregnant.” I went to sleep.

Overseas, in Okinawa, Japan, my sister got the picture above in her inbox.  She took one look at it and said, “Holy cow, she’s pregnant!”  She called me.  I didn’t answer, I was sleeping.  She walked across the street to Oatmeal’s big sister’s house.  (For the record, my big sissy and Oatmeal’s big sissy live in Okinawa, literally across the street from one another.)  Beverly showed the picture to Kelley, saying, “This is POSITIVE, correct?”  Kelley took one look and agreed.  They have 7 kids between the two of them, so they were certain.  They tried to call me a few more times, but it was about noon for them, so it was about 10pm for me and I was enjoying REM sleep.  They laughed, because now not only did they set us up on our first (blind) date, but now they also had the privilege of knowing we were pregnant before WE actually knew we were pregnant.

The next morning my sister told me the news, but I continued my test taking.  They were all negative.  Until, about a week later, I finally burst into the office of one of my customers (a general practitioner) and asked him to give me a pregnancy test.  Only then, when the doctor walked in and said, “well, you’re pregnant!” did I believe him.

Well, that’s not entirely true.  I sort of believed him.  It was about 4 days later, in my own bathroom, with no one around, that I took my own test and the line turned pink.  Then I was certain.  I just had to see it for myself. 

I continued to take a test every day for the next 10 days, enjoying watching the line turn pink, faster and faster and faster each time.

I kind of want to take one right now.


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